He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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