my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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