I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
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I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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