your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
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Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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