The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
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The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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