I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
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Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
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i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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