I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize