you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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