So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
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My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Your penis caused this!
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