i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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