this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
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if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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