Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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