i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
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I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
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