Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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