I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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