Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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