tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
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I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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