the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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