we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have beer where we have blood.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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