we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
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I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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