Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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