Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize