If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
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Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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