dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He passed out mid-signature
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I see more hoeing in ur future
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