was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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