Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
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Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
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I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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