I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize