Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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