i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
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His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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