dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
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You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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