Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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