I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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