she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
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She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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