My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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