how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
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Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
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i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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