I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
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I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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