yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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