I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
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I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
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My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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