i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
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Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
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Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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