I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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