That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
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Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
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I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So much rum. So many feels.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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