I look better un-naked...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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