All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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