So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
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just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
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As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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