sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
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he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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