So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This house was built for laser tag.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
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Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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