a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize