Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
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he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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