the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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