while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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